February 26, 2015

Al Roker

The Today Show

30 Rockefeller Center

New York, New York 10013

RE: It’s almost as good as shitting in your pants in the White House, right?

Dear Putz,

Yeah, you

What a putz!

Your stretching of the envelope of Putzdom is of such Herculean dimensions that it can never return to its original shape.

I read this morning of you blubbering clap-trap folderol about the snow in Boston being caused by Climate Change that was caused by Global Warming that was caused by Global Cooling that was caused by unicorns escaping from the Bermuda Triangle [only to become gluten free faire for drowning polar bears who are lactose intolerant] where can be found the lock-box that holds the exact co-ordinates for finding the exact location of Atlantis which, as all students of History know, was the result of a practical joke played on the world by Plato, one of the pre-eminent Dead White European Males, 25 friggin’ centuries ago. And, yes, you can look it up.

Ptolemy, Malthus, Owen, Lud, Sanger, Lysenko, Mead, Carlson, Gore-Gump, Mann, McCarthy, and dozen modern American Liberal luminaries chosen at random share one trait. They are dumb bastards who are phenomenal bullshit artists for whom the scientific method is a spee4d bump on the road to lunacy. They appear at no specific time to hector us that the world will be ending at noon on the first humid day after an unknown equinox that has been hurried a long by the Koch Brothers, “bitter clingers”, and people who are just plain mean, selfish, and nasty.

I recall with great joy the testimony of Meryl Streep before Congress of the dangers of Alar on apples and how, if unchecked, it would lead to a plethora of  scrofula, otalgia, ainhum, or something like that. Another cabeza de ca-ca. 

And speaking of ca-ca, Michele says if you are going to shit in the White House try to do it by the Rose Garden.

Kevin Smith