Fred Grimm

July 4, 2013
Fred Grimm
fgrimm@miamiherald.com

RE: - “Growlers” – Why can’t we just drink our beer? – Some comments on your column in today’s Miami Herald on the unfairness of life, a theme that you find to be bottomless, in this instance when it comes to the size of take-out containers filled with craft beer.

Mr. Grimm,

At last! A teachable moment for a fire breathing, card carrying modern American Liberal, and on the 4th of July to boot.

First, a lesson in regional etymology. Since no one has yet come forward to replace Mencken a band of keen amateurs must do our best to keep his flame burning.

“Growlers” in Bayonne, New Jersey, when I was a youth, were the enamel lined, handled pots that fathers sent their sons to the corner saloon – Bayonne had 168 of them. An impressive number until you learn that Hoboken, 1/3rd the size of Bayonne, had 305 retail consumption licenses, to fetch some tap beer. Before you left your father would rub his finger across some butter and then rub the inside of the pot. That kept the head down thereby giving Dad a few ounces more of the brew. I don’t remember them being 64 ounces but I may be wrong.

Second, a lesson in beer drinking wedding reception etiquette.

At my daughter’s wedding reception, a memorable night at the High Lawn Pavilion in West Orange, New Jersey, any and all Anheuser-Busch products were banned. Also, anything labeled as Light or Lite beers were verboten. The banquet manager asked my why. I told him the rule of de gustibus applied to the latter while Shakespeare applied to the former. Just before Fat Jack says “The first thing we will do is kill all the lawyers” the warning “I’ll make it a crime to drink small beer” was pronounced. “Small beer” was what passed for Light beer in those days. The monitum and prohibition are still in force.

Budweiser was the worst beer in America. It being almost 40 years since I tasted it it may have gotten worse. Quien sabe? Its purchase by a Belgian company does not bode well for it. It’s been almost 21 centuries since anyone has said anything nice about the Belgae. Other than 2 famous battles fought on its soil, [neither of which they participated in], some decent chocolate, none of which is grown there, lace, and some really great dogs the place is Palookaville.

As to the “teachable moment”….

Legislative time spent over the size of beer containers speaks to our History.

In the Declaration of Independence, and may illuminations light up the sky in celebration thereof today, Jefferson writes of the things that the King has done, things
that caused us “to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another”.

“He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither
swarms of new officers, to harass our people,
and eat out their substance.”

Can we not stipulate that the size of beer containers is not something that Western Civilization will rise or fall on? But haven’t said that can we not also stipulate that it is something that governments need not concern themselves with? And lastly, if free men choose to concern themselves with it why should it be interfered with?

Over the years, your columns, with a regularity that puts a nuclear powered metronome to shame, always – A – point out some real or imagined injustice and – B – say the only solution is to be found in some government agency, one that of course is on the side of the good guys, taking a hint from the President, “put its foot up some evildoer’s ass”.

Apparently the size of Florida “growlers” was a disputed point in the Florida legislature this year. Apparently some lobbyists – it is not known if the Koch 
Brothers or the NRA had a hand in this – convinced some legislators to deep-six the nagging question of 64 ounce craft beer containers.

The conundrum here is that when NARAL or the ACLU or the various teachers’ unions or pigs should have Constitutional protection or we should restore the Everglades due East on Commercial Boulevard until it is stopped by the Bahamas or bullying will end by legislative fiat or that teenage obesity should cease forthwith the same umbrella of protection for the latter is what enables the former to operate.

It is the only Constitutionally protected profession.

“Congress shall make no law…abridging,,,the right
of the people to peaceably to assemble, and to petition
the government for a redress of grievances.”
Article 1 – The Bill of Rights

It doesn’t list which grievances are “good” or “bad”. The Founders were smart that way.
It allows, indeed encourages by not banning, the edge groups to ask their legislators to consider the petitions of the Flat Earth Society, the Vegan menu in schools supporters, the banning of everyone from Quebec, the installation of literacy tests, not for voters but for candidates, the Can’t We All Just Get Along Society, the 2 guns in every house group, the promotion of the heartbreak of psoriasis society, the return of public floggings for certain offenses, NAMBLA, the “If Darwin was right why is it still a theory?” Marching Society, a $28.50 minimum wage, changing pi from 3.1416 to 3.0 to increase FCAT scores and to increase teenage self-esteem, the banning of profit from all contracts with any governmental agency to level the playing field, banning Spandex thongs on fat assed ladies, short pouring in beach bars, heroin for terminal cancer patients….my fingers tire and my eyes grow dim.
FREE MEN SPEAK WITH FREE TONGUES!
Will you join in my crusade to ban Michelob?



KEVIN SMITH
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET