Dahleen Glanton The Chicago Tribune

July 1, 2013
Dahleen Glanton
The Chicago Tribune
dglanton@tribune.com

RE: Paula Deen…inter alia

Ms. Glanton,

[If I were you I wouldn’t be buying any green bananas. Your tenure as an ink-stained wench, employed by the Chicago Tribune, is in jeopardy. The Tribune Company does not want to be in the newspaper business. Perhaps the Koch Brothers or K. Rupert Murdoch will rescue you. You heard it here first.]

First, some disclosures.

#1 – I have 2 relatives who fought at Gettysburg with the Irish Brigade 150 years ago tomorrow. One of them is still there “wrapped in his faded coat of Blue”. I mention this because if reparations for slavery ever become the law in this country I intend to use that as a tax credit carry-forward to pay my “fair” share.

#2 – I have been to Savannah and Charleston. The only mistake General William Tecumseh Sherman – “Uncle Billy” to his troops – made in his extremely successful “surge” was that he did not level Savannah and then obliterate and I mean flatten like the Romans did to Carthage, Charleston. The bumper sticker “No More Nagasakis” should always be followed by “No More Pearl Harbors”. If the “Mighty 8th” had bombed Dresden one more time the river would have disappeared. The same should have been Charleston’s fate. They started the War, didn’t they?

#3 – I spoke with a Black man dressed in white when last I dined at Uncle Bubba’s. We discussed oysters and the grilling thereof. He did not ask me for directions to the Underground Railroad.

I spent the better part of a decade under oath. United States Tax Court. United States Bankruptcy Court. United States Court of Appeals [5th and 10th Circuits] My name was on some papers that reached the Supreme Court of the United States where the vote was 9-0. Somehow I missed the United States Court of International Trade. Also, FISA.

I also was a 3rd party witness in a criminal investigation led by then United States Attorney Rudolph Giuliani. Although it was 1987 I was asked questions about what I did on November 1, 1961. Honest.

Because of the above and with all of the wounds being self-inflicted, and because of a confounding, constantly curmudgeonly concupiscence I find myself in perpetual “disfavor with fortune and men’s eyes”.




Of all the things I said in all those places there is one thing of which I am absolutely, with 100% metaphysical certitude, positive.

I did not commit perjury

It wasn’t particularly heroic. Thomas More said

“A man upon oath holds his soul in his hands as if it were water.
He opens his fingers at his own peril.”

If Paula Deen had perjured herself she would still be cholesterol’s best sales lady. The next convention of cardiac surgeons should begin with a moment of silence and then a glowing tribute to Paula Deen. She did more to help young cardiologists pay off their medical school loans than anyone else.

If Paula Deen had followed the example of another aging Southerner – And shades of Monica L. but why does Bill Clinton leap to mind – and perjured herself she still would be employing scores of poor Black Southerners in her privately funded Summer of Recovery

I propose that we put every White American under oath. I propose that we ask them if they ever used the dreaded “N” word, the word that White Americans dare not speak. I propose that we ask every White American under oath if they ever thought of the dreaded “N” word, the word that Americans dare not think.

“I did not have sex with that woman...Miss Lewinsky” was a lie. Presidents are expected to lie. 3 times in the 20th century 3 different Presidents, all of whom were, coincidentally I’m sure, Democrats said that they “would not send American boys to fight in foreign wars”. They did not perjure themselves. Neither did Paula Deen. Bill Clinton did.

Free speech is like pregnancy. Either you are or you aren’t. Either it is or it isn’t.
It is the same with uterine papillary serous carcinoma. Either you have it or you don’t. Benign or malignant. It can’t be both.

The American taxpayer subsidizes a “Trousered Ape” loose form sculpture called “Piss Christ”. It is a clear cylinder filled with piss in which is hung a crucifix. If someone shows the Mohammed cartoons, particularly the ones that show him buggering a goat or a pre-pubescent girl, Pakistan burns itself down.

Why is one acceptable and the other isn’t?

“Frankly Dahleen, I don’t give a damn”

If you have your knickers in a knot because Paula Deen didn’t perjure herself get over it. As to Pakistan, let it burn,

Jesse Jackson said he “wanted to cut Obama’s nuts off”, remember? Did anybody fire him?

About 30,000,000 Black babies have been aborted since 1973. Is that funny?

Here’s to Paula!

Pass the gravy and the corn bread, please, and save me some of that pecan pie





Kevin Smith
WARRIORBARDIT@BELLSOUTH.NET




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