August 27, 2014
Mitchel Berger, Esq.
Berger, Singerman
350 E. Las Olas Blvd
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33301

RE: Sometimes the easy answer is the right one. More delightful musings from a local fan of Publius.

Mr. Berger,

Ockham lives! Willie’s parents would be proud.

If, as you say, “ocean addification, AKA climate change and global warming”, has led to “seal level rise”, the solution may be obvious.

If “ocean addification” leads to the drowning of polar bears and the subsequent “seal level rise” might not ocean subtratification lead to an increase in polar bears? What is obvious is that wherever there in an increase in polar bears the question of ‘seal level rise” is solved. Apex predators, when left to their own devices, keep the neighborhood neat and tidy.

I have fallen under the Homer Simpson mantra. “Don’t make me choose.” Should I don my “Proud Global Warmer” hat or is it time for my “Right-Wing Conspirator” cap to reappear?

Only a highly trained and very successful modern American Liberal could say that “preparation and change of habit and innovation are what is needed right now to propel us to a better future for our descendants”. I did not know that you had hired Professor Irwin Corey to write for you. Only a card carrying, fire breathing modern American Liberal could, deep down, believe and proselytize such stuff and nonsense.

Then you say, supposedly with a straight face and rubber knickers to help when you pee in your pants as you chew through your tongue waiting for multiple cream pies to slam into your mug, “Our ancestors used these qualities to get us where we are. Don’t we owe the same to future generations?”

One of the traits, one of the most annoying traits, common to modern American Liberals is guilt, both collective and individual. You say “these phenomena [High tide? Really, really high tides? Teenage obesity? Bud Light? Disintermediation? The Ebola 2 Step? Krakatoa? Cholera? Lactose intolerant underemployed LGBT community advisors? The electoral college? Acid rain? Well done ribeyes? Leisure suits? Predatory lending? Rap music? The Kardashians? Debbie Wasserman Medusa? Non-White Christmases? The Tea Party? The Republican House? White after Labor Day? Autumn leaves? Fracking? Malaria?] are happening and they are traced to human conduct.”

EGO TE ABSOLV

Only someone who IVs Narcissism, only someone who yearns for a Solipsism enema believes that you have done, can do, and will do things that “will cool the planet and cause the sea level to drop.” after you have done something to cause them to happen.

If you were a woman you would always be pregnant.

This is a form of intellectual cocaine for which there is no 12 step program. In the real world, in the world where “stones are hard and water is wet”, polite people turn away from such balderdash. That they do so at their peril is abundantly clear.

Your penance is to ride backwards on a burro down Las Olas Boulevard wearing a sign that says “I am a horse’s ass. Fling bags [no plastic, please] of cat shit at me.”

Skip the cap conundrum.

It’s time to dig out my “Sounds like Bullshit to me” tee shirt.

My forefathers were thankful for the chance to clear the land, to drain the swamps, to plant the fields, to mine the coal, to fight the wars, all the while nurturing an American exceptionalism that is the envy of the world. If that not so why do people still risk death to get here? Twice in the 20th century saved the world. They codified the rights, not given to us by any king, but those that were ours at birth, “gifts from beyond the stars”. Along the way they planted the country “thick with laws, from coast to coast” to protect us from each other and, most importantly, from the heavy hand of government.

Indeed I find it passing strange that while lawyers may be knowledgeable about case law they are woefully ignorant of the Constitution. Put simply, the Constitution tells us what our government can do while the Bill of Rights tells us what government cannot do. In case you haven’t noticed the First Amendment begins with 5 majestic words. “Congress shall make no law…”

I say this because I have 3 granddaughters, collectively known as My Texas Ladies. If I have any patrimony to pass on to them it will be the Trivium, the other jewels of Western Civilization, the Athens/Jerusalem/Rome axis, the scientific method, the Rule of Law, reasoned discourse, the 2500 year old declaration that “free men speak with free tongues”, and the simple truth that “man will not only endure but he will prevail”.

If the furbish lousewort or feral Muslims interfere with that transfer History has told us what to do.

I am going to my local Burger King for a snack that Michele Obama would outlaw if she had the chance. I am proud to say that since I discovered the 20th century’s first public vegan was Adolph Hitler I never let a day go by without pledging allegiance to PETA. [That’s short for People Eating Tasty Animals.]

I am glad to see the Constitutional proscription in re bills of attainder still applies. That Willie Horton’s 4th child, Tom Horton, was able to move to Canada and open a restaurant business so successful that American businesses are scrambling to be owned by him is proof positive that sins of the father are not visited upon the son.

The next tutorial will be about the relearning of lessons first given to us in the inaugural address of John Kennedy. I promise I won’t mention his love of tax cuts.

Had any close shaves lately?






Kevin Smith